We’re Strictly Ballroom

I have work at 5:30, so I should, “Should,” Be studying for my Zoology test, but I’ll get to that at the Greenhouse when I leave. I could always study better at that coffee shop.

 Anyhow, today was full of things that reminded me of Owen. Things Owen and I talked about, songs we listened to, things that were signifigant to things that happened to us. And I dunno, I just really want to hug him right now. I want to call him, ask him how/what he’s doin, tell him I was thinkin about him. Someones making a Heart Shaped Box in my art class. Its really cool.

However now, if I got the oppertunity now, there would be so much more I’d say, so many questions I’d have. Things I cant say to him now. Questions I cannot ask. In dreams, when he thanks me for being there for the friends and company we have in common, when he tells me it’s going to be okay, that he is okay, when he asked me if I needed anything. “I need to know what happened.” The dream usually ends there. It hurts in ways I dont like hurting in. If it is him telling me he’s okay wherever he is now, then I suppose I need to be okay here. With that anyway. If I’m just crazy (which may also be very well true) then thats what it is, and it would be wrong of me to say that maybe I breathe alittle easier, but not at all comfortably or easy, in the context of what happened. The friends I had, that were downtown kids, wont look me in the eye when Im in town, they keep conversations brief. Since it happened, there has been an elephant in the room when we do hang out. I just don’t know how to function in those situations anymore, and I can’t do it. It is sad how I dont want to be there anymore, when for years Downtown, the pipe bridge, the wood bridge, all those places were like a second home.

I just don’t know what to think of Petaluma anymore.  

I don’t know what to think of that whole thing. Sometimes, it still feels so new.

I need to work on becomming more present. And you know, moving. To anywhere.

Honestly, I wish my tickets for the east coast were one way.

I wish that today wasnt so phenomanally bad

I wish I didnt loose my keys.

But these are just wishes. None of them are true.

Tonight was one dissapointment after another. What is the pressure with Valentines Day anyway? Sometimes, it just makes me want to be in fourth grade again. Schmalentines.

Tonight, after the most of tonights chaos was over, I found myself on the phone with Oliver, rideculeing, out of love, our hilarious adventures this summer. How it was a huge adventure and sort of a growing expierence for us and how at the end of the summer we found older and waiser versions of ourselves where our summer began. It was, and I cannot say this enough, amazing.

I have recently found myself in an educational dillemma, and it makes me, more then ever, want to move to the east cost, but it is to much like me to run away from tough situations as if it was going to make my bad memories and low views of myself go away. I think though, for real, I cant stay in california forever, and the sooner I get out the better. Because Im young. My history teacher was right. It is best to travel while you dont have so many creature comforts. and if I find myself in california again in the future, I am alright with that. I just need to get out and see what life is for awhile in other places then where I grew up. I grow tired of wondering.

Im really worried about life right now, and my roommate isnt comming home tonight so I get to fall asleep in the dark alone and terrified. However, my malicious habits got me into such a situation, so who else to I have to blame? Nobody.

but hey, every moment is an oppertunity to turn it all around.

Happy Day,

Cailie

Im two weeks behind in homework and it all needs to get done tomorrow and it isnt even close.

My head hurts and Im tired from the two hours I got of sleep last night, but Im so caffenated Im shaking, so taking a nap before I have to leave for work is out of the question. I work from 5:30 to 1 am which means I have to leave at four and I wont be home till two.

I’ve also been unreasonably depressed lately and I have some big decisions (like where Im going to love from May onward) and with rent constantly on the rise, Im never going to be able to afford to live in San Francisco when this lease is up.

and mom is comming wednesday. I wonder if having parents visit is going to always get me feeling this, I dunno anxious? Stressed? the feeling to prove how well Im doing on my own? Am I really doing that well?

I found a letter I wrote in Sixth Grade that I gave to my teacher to send to me when I was a senior in High School. For a sixth grader, it was pretty damn well written.

 Well, if I dont shower now, It isnt going to get done for another couple days.

Yesterday I left school early because I was pukeing a lot and decided it was unwise to stay. I puked once on the way home and was walked partially home by a girl who wanted to see if I was alright, she talked with me about things like radiohead and discussed things I usually talked about with the BFG. Not because they were personal cailie-BFG stuff, but because he was the only one who shared that intrest that I knew at the time.

 Today i went to school and ran into srah on campus again. We spent the afternoon dancing around in Mei’s livingroom and drinking whiskey listening to emo covers of rap songs and ‘Whose got the crack!?” which is actually a really funny song.

Tomorrow I think my mom is comming into town.

I frequently found myself out alone today. The superbowl had a lot of people staying in, dispite the fact that today was the first time I remember seeing the sun all week. Anyhow, as the wind started and the clouds started rollin in it kind of reminded me of a childhood friends house in Piedmont, and these random and distinct memories I have of playing in her house and in the backyard.

But it also reminded me of when my father got out of rehab and my mom stressed the family being togther and we did a lot of things togther as a family. My dad even came with my mom and I to Berkeleys Art Car Show one year to see my friends band play. It was actually kind of cool, but I digress, sort of.

For some reason the weather reminded me of when my parents and I (it became “my parents and I” when my brother moved to San Jose to go to school, I was going into 9th grade) would go to the beach. This happened a lot after we moved north to Petaluma because it hadnt really been that close before.

Where Im going with this is I sometimes wonder if my parents still remember those times we all spent togther. I wonder if they remember, espically now that we all live in different cities, that time we spent.

I havent had the time to do a lot lately. Mainly I’ve been so caught up with school and work and flirting with the idea of getting some of my shit published or not. I’ve actually been kind of depressed lately.

My roommates and I are realizing that we are going to have to deal with the issue of moving soon and this is all just the calm before the storm. We are all kind of tired of dealing with eachother at this point and we’re all bickering. a lot. Also, Im not enjoying working at this job anymore. The commute is through dangerous neighborhood after dangerous neighborhood and I dont know how to feel about most of my coworkers anymore. True colors are starting to show and it isnt feeling so good anymore. Schools hard. thats not going to change as I go on, and Im constantly doubting myself, wondering if this whole extended education thing is really something I want to do. There are times when I just want to throw it all in the air and move back to the East Coast already. I just need some time to figure it all out right now.

Which brings me to my next topic. Ive been having a lot of really intense conversations with people my age lately and I realized how confused a lot of us are and how that is clouding how we all are manageing our lives. A lot of it seems to have to do with outside pressures and stuff. And things arent fgoing to get easier or less complicated as we go on. This is a really hard stage that we’re all in and a confuseing one too. But we’ll get through this stage and the next one too and its going to be how we deal with it that will make it easier and less stressful.

Other then that things are really kind of boring. Sort of. Ok not really.