We’re Strictly Ballroom

Ah Petaluma, what odd nostalgia. What a strange place to be a teenager. I suppose all places are odd to be a teenager though. It felt good and strange to be back but made me feel better knowing I was just visiting. I didn’t get to see all the people I wanted, but I did a lot with helping my mom get the house ready for her to move (whenever she decides that time is).

The friends I saw, I’m glad theyre all fine. Im glad they’re all doing well and that they are happy (or seemingly so) but they’re all doing the same things they were doing when I left. Made me realize that I, too, would probably still be playing pool at Gales or the Hideaway and drinking a lot, getting stoned a lot, feeling like Im going nowhere at the JC, dating a guy who wanted to be married and have kids before I was ready and working at the Theater. A strange feeling, and a breath of fresh air when I returned back to the city. But if they are happy, then I am happy for them.

Next round in Petaluma (which may be as far away as summer) I’m going to do more.

I’ve been bitchy lately, and I apologise. 

Im in Petaluma till thursday, helping my mom move and seeing some friends. Its good to be here. My family doesnt see eachother often, and Myra, my dog is here. I love her more then anything I have in San Francisco.

 I saw Danny today. It was paralizeing, at best. I was stunned.

Its very strange to be back here, but Im also very happy to be here and looking forward to seeing Stephanie and Nick and Matt today.

I got in a huge fight with my boyfriend on sunday affer a terriable day about a lot of things. We haven’t talked, and it makes me uneasy, however Im glad Im on a break from my life in the city, even if its just for a few days. 

Listen to live acouatic Alkaline Trio songs. I can’t stop listening to ‘From Here to Infirmary’. (Nevermind that All in Black is from Crimson) Further blogging below.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqk5ifKolPc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrhZYqbTstE&NR=1

Im not looking forward to my only three free days of spring break being spent in petaluma. fuck.

Im stoned right now, and Im not regretful. For the first time in a long time my roommate and her boyfriend and I smoked ourselves into oblivion and giggled till we couldnt take it anymore. And maybe you dont know the possabilities of a thursday night untill you’ve cracked open a pack of sting cheese with your homies. Maybe you do. Who am I to point fingers?

Haven’t been keeping many people updated. I only really come in contact with people who Im with at the moment and soon enough so much time has gone by that I dont really feel like updating everyone else with the gory details. Shit gets blanketed under the ‘Im fines’ and the ‘Things are going pretty chills’ and even though thats a rough generalization, I guess its true.

Nothing I needed to get done tonight actually got done tonight, but by this point in the week, Im so blasted tired anyway.

Fuck. I dont even know what to say in this blog anymore.

This can’t be it can it? Is this it? Why do I feel like I’m loseing everything all over again? It constantly feels as though it’s all sliping through my fingers.

Im having trouble accepting a lot of things right now. In less then a year I lost two people I still hold dear. and Im having trouble facing the facts that I actually have to let them go and go on with life.

I dont know how to cope with anything right now.

I wrote this the night before Owens memorial service. When I was sleeping on my moms couch, because I dont have a bed in petaluma anymore. I thought I lost it several months ago, but it turned up in the oddest of places today-my sock drawer. Its not done, but I dont know where to go to finish it. It felt relevant then, it feels relevant now.

i’ve been breathing, but still forgetting how to breathe. i’ve been whispering into the dark that ‘i miss you more than anything right.now.’ and there’s nothing there. there’s nofuckingthing there but an extra pillow and a wall full of images of you him and the cold air and the shadows from my candle obsession.

For Hadas sleeping here last night. For reminding me, when I woke randomly in the night, where at that moment, in the universe I was.

Brian died two nights ago of a heroine overdose.

Excuse me now, while I shut down entirely, and break down because my phone wount let me change the time. Except we all know its not about the phone.

Something happened tonight, that inspired many incoherent thoughts, and none of them will make sence right now because Im tired, just got home from work, and am recovering from an impending disasterous cold. I just need them here so I can remember them tomorrow and turn them into coherent thoughts. So here we go….

I spent all thursday morning at the doctors, and then all afternoon in bed. It was nice, to sleep, to relax, to not have to be anywhere.

Tonight at work a face from my not terriably distant past strolled into my theater. We used to be best friends like sisters, and then a coke habit and general disintrest got inbetween us and we went our seperate ways. But that whole group of people we hung out with, back in 2005, we often talked about how we felt like we were family, and now it is so rare to see eachother around. People move on, and do the flux of alliances, eventually fall apart. Most often, in this case anyway, it isnt really a bad falling out, it just kind of happens, but its strange. When I see someone like Steve(who was a part of that group of friends) at a show or party,  it will be like we never skipped a beat. Act like it hasnt been weeks or months or years, but when I see someone like the girl who came into the theater tonight, it’ll be awkward and uncomfortable and Id rather be anywhere else.  Strange shit like that happens all the time.

And then, like, i have friends who Ive known since Preschool, Kindergarten, elementry school and High School who Ive never fallen out with, who are still my friends even when the spaces between us geographically are so distant. I wonder often, how it works out like that. How did things end up being like that.

It got me also, into thinking who I am now as a person? How did I end up this way? Who I was in 05 is not who I am now. I went to a party fairly recently that was thrown by people who have helped me out so much in the two and a half years I was couch surfing. While I was falling out, and then back in with my parents and brother. It had almost been a year and we have all changed so greatly and yet often never felt it occur. It felt kind of strange, with all that we have gone through and then all that we have become and how one doesnt always coninside with the other. Here we are, all of us, after all this time. (afterall, 21 years sometimes seems like an eternity, and others it seems like Im way to young) After all our trageties and triumphs. We we are all here.

I dont know what that means.  More elaborate related thoughts after a night of sleep.

I have a shitton of homework and work everyday and because we are understaffed I work crazy double shifts like Projection/consessions or Usher/float and its intense so not only am I not home a lot to do said school work, but Ive been working overtime shifts. Today was my first schedualed day off in two weeks and It has been spent either at school, doing homework, or being nice to the English guys that Janine invited to stay on our couch, but promptly had nothing to do with them.
I went to Berkeley on Saturday and didnt really have a shitton of memoriable fun, but I dont even want to get started on that. It also put me back a day in a half of work and school, so now Im really stressed. I also have a crazy intense fever and my throat feels like its on fire.

Notice how sleep had nothing to do with this. I just want to sleep, but there is far to much to do to have anything to do with it.