We’re Strictly Ballroom

My next post is going to be full of Cailie Poems, I swear. But for now, you get whats on my mind.

Sometimes I wish that my thoughts would just leave me alone for awhile. I wish that I could just get my shit done without doubting myself, wondering if what Im doing is right, if there could be a better way. Zoneing out,  I wish that all this drama about moving and landlords and credit checks and stubborn roommates and teachers and the end of the semester and work and everything could just fix themselves without me having to worry about it. I wish.

I wish that I could love my job again. I wish that the deafining silence given to me was broken, that this falseified scarlet letter would be removed from my name. I didnt even sleep with anyone and it feels like Im getting the bad reputation, without actually having to do anything to achive it.

This summer is going to be epic though. Im going on a short tour selling merch for a friends band, Im going squatting in Sacramento and plan on seeing some good friends and great bands while Im there. Just me and my bike and a backpack full of everything I need for the week and a half I am gone. That same trip I will be couch surfing in Davis seeing all the friends I havent seen in far to long and catching up. I will also be spending a week in the east coast with friends who are more like family. There is a lot to look forward to, I just have to get through all this busniessy/bullshitty(hey! New word!) stuff before the fun can happen.

In other news I have gotten really into moldmaking lately and spendin an unhealthy amount of time at Douglass and Sturgess. I also have a big quiz on thursday (the day that I move…I hope) and If I dont rock ass on my zoology final, well, Im fucked.

ah stress, you complete me.

There is drama with the lease and credit checks (as in, my name is on the lease and I have to do a suprise credit check, without credit.) My parents offered to co-sign, to that they can do the credit check, and I don’t have to worry about it, but it seems like there was this huge misunderstanding, and Im assumeing the worst. Which is I might loose the room. I have to call the main tennant tonight after eight to clear things up, and Im terrified. I hate confrentation, espically shit like this.

Fuck. Why must I suck so bad at life?

The joys of finding out you’re being jerked around by someone you actually thought was pretty cool.

That nothing that was said and done was actually true, or had anything behind it.

The joys of being drunk at a dive bar on a sunday evening. Then being driven home by the last person you want to look at.

“Street Spirit” came on over his radio and I lost all feeling. Im always going to associate that song with Owen and in that moment, in this guys car, I can’t even describe it. Floating, Shocked, suprised, numb. They’re not the words Im looking for, but they’re the first that come to mind. 

Some of the people I work with are pretty cool, but I am looking for other jobs, because Im tired of everything about the theater except for the people that I like and get to hang out with on the job. But it has gotten to the point where Im just going to have to see them some other time.

Ive been so exausted lately, and yet I cannot sleep.

And Im moving to The Castro. so yay.

Life is going amazing right now. I just had an awesome, warm weekend with friends and adventures and 40s in Dolores and GGP espically at night with the moon and our faces reflecting up at us in the bottles of beer or water or whatever. I slept on my friends couch on his porch and worked and got errands done and played with friends.

I landed an amazing apartment with some seemingly very cool people. We clicked, and it is in an amazing neighborhood (the Castro). I’m moving out in the early days of may, so that Im settled for finals, and can concentrate at one thing at a time from here on out.

Things can only go wrong for so long, and then all thats left are good things to happen. I think what makes me appriciate the good times more, and be optomistic through the bad is that most of the situatiosn are only temporary.  Things are going to go wrong for only so long, and so with the idea that eventually, things are going to go right. In the same vein, bad things are always going to happen, it is a part of life, so the good times should never go uncherished.

Its like finding a parking spot. Sometimes its good, sometimes it is bad, sometimes, when you rush back to the spot to put change in the meter or whatever, the ticket is already waitng.

Im not sure Im making sence, but you know, things are finally going good, and I appriciate it more then a lot of things right now.

This week has been amazing. Sometimes, I feel as though I know some of the best people ever. My birthday was immensely fun, and late night drives around the city, with a different party every time has inspired a lot.

I’m getting swept up in the moving proccess/the end of the semester process/ the finding a new job process all at once. I take comfort that in June (hopefully) this will all have settled.

Two close friends broke up, and I have had Emergency by Paramore on repeat. God knows why.

It has been a georgous day, and is shaping up to be an even better evening.

Happy Day.

I promsied Owen, last April, that he was for sure invited to my next birthday party. Yesterday, while inviting people on my phone list, I got this wave of really really wanting to invite him. His contact is still in my phone, and the wanting to call along with the feeling of not being able to almost pushed me to tears.

Im tired still, but far less weak feeling then I was when I went to bed last night. I think Im starting to catch up on the sleep i need.  I also decided that Im quiting smoking cigarettes, and am riding my bike around the city more.

Yesterday I aquired the feeling as though I was disposable. Mainly in most of my relationships with friends and boyfriend, but also at work. It was terriable. I also was freaking the fuck out, because I have a few large assignments due tomorrow that I needed the internet for, which I also didn’t have. It caused a nevous breakdown…or two.

Today, just for the day, I went up to petaluma, to get the homework done. At least now, most of the important stuff is out of the way and Im feeling a lot better. However still alittle disposable. My friends though, I’m seeing them wednesday and thursday (April 3rd is my 22nd birthday). It will be amzingly good to see them.

I can’t wait to get this week over.