Your shadow weighs a ton.

I don’t know what I was even thinking. I’m surprised our friendship lasted as long as it did. We were the same in all the wrong ways and to different in all the things that mattered. We both had problems biting our own toungs so instead we were biting each others, trying to keep our own anger in check and having problems expressing any self control at all. It was a mess. We were a disaster together. Personalities that accented all the wrong things in the other person.

And Im looking for another job. I have a sense that this has a lot to do with me lacking any ability to hold any sense of commitment, and a general dissatisfaction with where I work.

Last night I went drinking, which was in part a really bad decision (I was a huge mess today) and something that i really really needed. Really awesome people were there and I met a really awkward guy named Troy who is really awkward and gives high fives at random. ace. Plus, friends who like to drink and dance is a party.

Hustlers grab your guns

Jen just moved into a newly remodeled apartment with some people she doesnt know that well. She said something felt off because everything in the apartment wasnt broken in yet and she was unsure to how get to know her roommates.

Jenny (my roommate) and I rallied the troops and everyone, EVERYONE from our group of friends, and some of their friends showed up to her apartment last night, and broke in her house for her. People playing music in her living room, readings (of poetry or self written work) in the dining room, peope baking/cooking/creating full course meals in the kitchen and everyone getting very drunk. Even Danny was singing lifes praises standing on the toilet seat in the bathroom. Her roommates seem lovely, and this morning, in a fog of smeared makup and amazing, Jen smiled at me and says she loved it.

I have a few days worth of homework to do today, (Last nights tonights and tomorrows) tomorrow, after my evening class, Im going to celebrate Lauras birthday at some shady dive bar in the ‘loin. woot.

oh oh oh! Big adventures this summer!
Memphis! Nashville! Washington DC! NYC! Boston! Jersey City! San Diego! Seattle! A Girl Scout sponsored trip overseas to represent the SFBGSC!

Please dont give up dear walls, dont let the ceiling fall.

It was weeks like this one that felt like things werent going even alittle bit my way. So much shit went wrong and I felt like I couldnt stop it and I couldnt fix it.
And then I came home today to a package from New York with Andys hair in it and a picture of his new haircut. This is been an inside joke for years that none of us were actually thinking was going to happen. I laughed all the way to work. I love you Andy, and I swear Im comming this summer, it’ll come sooner then we know.

“But why? You’re worthy of the love of good people.”

Why do I feel like this all of a sudden? Sometimes I feel that way. The excited I got when we hung out, or the contentment (Word? Yes? no?) with life after. I know if you were here for real, physically, you’d be able to answer. Thats a quality I miss about you.

I also miss that bench we always sat on on water street. Those nights we’d catch up and talk in the warmth of our buzz in the ’safety’ of the night. I wonder if you’d still call it that knowing what happened. I miss talking with you. Even when we weren’t saying anything real, or when we were laughing so hard we couldnt bring ourselves to say something anyway. Im sorry if I made you feel bad, that first time I caught you on the phone with your mom. You seemed kind of embarassed, that wasn’t my intension at all. You know I was guilty of it (the mom calls) too. (By the way, BFG, she’s lovely.) Thanks for visiting sometimes when I sleep, or when the weather happens to be nice enough to see the sky. I always check to see if you’re still up there. (you almost always are). How did we get here? I miss you, your laugh, our talks. I wish you were here, now, anywhere now.

I guess I’ll just have to wait awhile (which is totally shitty). We’ll have a lot to talk about, plus I have a lot of questions.

I miss you like crazy. All the time.

Let us see the night through.

I’ve been eating a lot of cheese and yogurt if thats any indication of how I was feeling all day today. And it was the first day of the semester today too. Lucky for mee Im not expected anywhere until two tomorrow.

No time to think of concequences.

Sacramento was lovely. Sacramento is always lovely. And Im tired and its cold outside and I feel like this is the warmest its been in my room since the temperature started sinking.

I called my mom tonight to tell her I was here and everything was fine. She said my grandmother is in the hospital. She has always had problems with her breathing (my grandma) and if she wouldn’t get some tube put in her she wouldnt have lived through the night. And Im sorry I took her for granted when I was younger. But now she has to live at some convlasent home and I can hear the upset in my mothers voice even though she’s denying it. I want to tell her that she doesnt need to deny it to me if she wants, but I think she needs to hold up for other reasons right now.

This totally put a dent in the buzz of my night (doing pretty well in school huzzah!).

I really have a lot to say, but Im generally unsure how or what to say and a really erie song just came on the radio that  Im just going to close my eyes and listen to.

See the lightining in my eyes.

Echo and I are going on a trip. We don’ t know where we’re going yet, but I guess thats a part of the fun. School starts on the 12th, im intrested to see how I am at the end of it. This semester is going to be a dozey.

Let me forget about today untill tomorrow.

I just had a lovely holiday season. I was in petaluma for christmas seein’ the family. My mom is stressed having my grandparents living with her, and my dad is gone working a lot. It was a really chill christmas though, with everyone around.

 

Last night was new years, and there were two parties. It was good to see everyone, but by the time I got to the second party at 10, half the people there were pukeing or passing out. It was still a epic party though.

Today was spent being tired and I didnt really get much done, but Im stirring up some attainable goals to make 2009 all the merrier. woot.