Hometown Glory.
April 28, 2009
It doesn’t feel like its almost two years ago. The thought crossed my mind last night. It feels like forever ago. It feels like yesterday. It still doesn’t sit.I shouldn’t have started this thought tangent, I dont know where to go with it, how to finish.
I’ve been thinking about my East Bay Friends a lot, read those old entries I wrote when my friend died on old journals and this one, about my life there, in Oakland. I went to hang out with some friends on friday in Oakland and there were some old ghosts that were put to rest. I felt uneasy going there, and felt awesome after I left.
I felt because the cycle was doomed to repeat itself always. I couldn’t see any other way out of it at the time, and when the oppertunity arouse to leave I took it. I wasnt the person I wanted to be and it wasnt looking like I was ever going to change.
But last wednesday, when I was just having bad week after bad week and was really unhappy I wanted to leave, I wanted to just end up in Boston already. Start over with the friends I love over there. But really, is that just how I handle stuff? Do I just leave when things are rough, only to find myself in a not great situation? Is that the kind of person I am? Cause thats kind of ugly, I feel like I need to reevaluate this and me and fight it out untill Im at least done with school.
It’s so weird that I check your blog when you’ve recently written something about Owen. Of course, lots of things happened about two years ago, so maybe you were writing about something else. I just think of the one thing almost two years ago that changed my life forever, and I still miss him so much it’s hard to accept that any time has passed, because with the passing of time, there’s more distance.
I hope you’re doing well, Cailie, and planning for a future that feels right. Hang on to that, things that feel right. So many things don’t, and they take us to places we’d rather not go. How well do we know this? What does it take to make choices that allow us to feel good, supported, comfortable, and comforted? Trust. Simple. Trust. You’re worth taking care of yourself. Just think of the stories you’ll have to share, years into the future. And, when you look back, you’ll say, ah, that’s why I lived through all of that.
Yes, that was about Owen. Sometimes I have trouble finding the words to express how I feel about it or how to say it.
And thank you, for the advice, it means alot