I have a hunch, that if the music I’ve been writing lately, was audible to the public, we would all have a better idea about how Im feeling right now, and what is going on in my head.

but alas, I cannot write to y’all in musicall notes. Not from this blog anyway.

Today was a day I had off, and I did lots of things that I have been meaning to do lately, so it was productive, however the end of the day was full of fuckups. I think I need to work on getting my shit more togther and handle life accordingly.

My brother turns 26 on tuesday, maybe 27, or 25, Im not exactly sure, but it is one of those three and I dont have the nerve to call him because I dont have anything else to say to him even though I havent talked to him since the end of march, and I dont know what to talk to him about.

Fuck.

Is it July already? Do I really have a job that makes me this terriable(except Im leaving it soon I can feel it)? No. Well, yes. Wait. ok.

I saw the sun rise on the beach yesterday morning, on the wrong side of sleep, obviously, still fucked up, obviously.  I had my guitar in my hand and Lupe and Aaron and Ricky where sitting around me, guitars on their laps.  People were jogging by us fresh from sleep, and we were still talking, still playing songs.  I had shown up twelve hours earlier, asked for a drink, went right in the water, and with the waves crashing over me, I tried but couldn’t remember the last time I had swam in the ocean.  I just let it kick my ass. It felt nice. I kept standing up to let it knock me down, plant my face in the sand and pull me back out again.  I couldn’t help it.  That is just life, standing up to one wave after another, knowing that you may have the wind knocked out of you, may be all scraped up and choking on salt water, and that once it has passed, you’ll just be looking up at the next one rolling in.  Things always come and then they go.  There’s no changing that, and I’d rather get the shit kicked out of me than miss out on something.  Regret is always useless, but it is especially useless when you didn’t at least give something a try. There’s always some good to get out of anything:  Shit makes flowers grow.

I made a blog for more “hey here is what Im writing to maybe publish and have a book to hold on to” because the way Im organizeing it now is all wrong. and Im keeping this one for more of “This is how I see life and how Im feeling about it and guess what happened to me today!?!” I’ll post the link when Im going on more amounts of sleep and the new blog has legs to stand on. I will also link this one to that one so, you know.

I took two pills about an hour ago (theyre perscribed to be taken that way) and its sleep medication and could tranqulize a horse (except not really). So Im alittle out of it and have to be up in 7 hours.

and I hate my job and blah blah blah.

I’ve been writing a lot again, which is cool because I was tired of bullshitting until I would come up with something I could rally behind. Here is a clip from something that I have been writing….

And here I am in one of those moments. I remember living through one after that bad car accident when I was nineteen. I remember crawling out of the passenger side of the car and onto the street. I remember watching Angel look more terrified then ever from where I was laying on the pavement and the whole world was buzzing by. I remember EMTs showing up (Cole being one of them), I remember crawling into the ambulance, I remember feeling a tingling feeling and then nothing irregular at all. I remember the electricity of everything that happened and how this must be what it feels like when life is leaving. And I wanted, with every fiber of my young being to live to take another breath.

That moment, in the bar, with the electricity of an impending bar fight dieing down, was the same feeling of being scared and out of control again.

Someone was buying a round of drinks, pool balls were spread on the table, some striped some solid, and knocked around just the same, and they seemed to for tell that whatever it was that we would do to each other could be washed away with alcohol or explained away in songs.

and my friends were all of that.

The 400 club was like a trolley that had skipped town and rolled right into the wrong part of town where it would decay and rot away until it would suffer the blows of the wrecking ball. Except the blows were really coming, thanks to Urban renewal, they were turning that part of downtown Oakland into a better part of town and throwing away everything we enjoyed about it away. Everything we thought it stood for. And here we are, our very favorite person tending bar. I wish I could remember his name,but all I can remember is his grace and generosity.

All of the really good times happened when The Brothers Bravo were around. But this day, somehow, was the best of those times. We had money, we were grimy and tired, usually we felt guilty or alienated, because there was something wrong with us; but this evening we had the feeling of people who were worth something.

A few months later my aunt died. Almost two years of making sure she made it to the doctors, understood what was happening, making sure she took her medication and she died anyway. I spent two years watching her slip through my fingers and I was powerless against it.

But I guess, sometimes, that is life.

So, Im just here, at my room, waiting for my sleeping medication to kick in and stressing out because I now have to look up Amtrack prices/departure places and finding out whens the earliest I can register for fall classes tomorrow. woop.

I just found out that my iTunes can get Radio and I love it, because the radio never turns off and it brings a nice variety of tunes to my ears. I also found out that I pull off neon colors nicely, considering. Its useful.

Also, I rode my bike for the first time in hellof. Im also picking up ballet again(after a 7 or 8 year break) and it feels nice to be getting all that exercise again and doing things for fun and not pressure. This was spawned the morning after a crying bout I had last night due to being fustrated. It didnt fix much, except I kind of feel better. And after last night I feel like I can clear-mindedly handle my shit apropritely.  There is a new job on the horizion! and my exercizeing! huzzah!

“I spent a over a year squatting, couch surfing and staying at friends houses in West Oakland while going to school and working in Petaluma, all to take care of my sick aunt in Oakland. I spent over a year making sure she went to the doctors, understood what they said, and got and took her medicine right. She died anyway and I was powerless against it. I spent over a year watching her slip through my fingers.”~A part from a journal entry at the beginning of 07

Owen-

Remember that one time before you died that we had the same lunch break at work and spent it in the Cafe giggleing about wonderfully terriable movies, about how “Soylent Green is people” and then remember the last time I came up to petaluma before leaving for the Warped Tour last summer because my mom was on a busniess trip and it was your birthday, and I was house sitting and throughly creeped out by the house and Soylent Green came on TV and I laughed and felt less lonely. It was 3 in the morning, and technically your 21st birthday. I told you we’d party on your birthday, and Stephanie and I planned a party that turned out wonderfully. Remember when we let go of the balloons to fly away at the end of the party and one of them got caught in the tree that is almost in my neighbors back yard and I was worried it was going to pop, but it didn’t, and was gone by morning? Remember our lame attempt at your birthday cake? One of our first expierences laughing through tears? Remember that? I wish you could.

BFG, it’s friday the thirteenth, and your birthday, and you should be here, alive, with the people that you loved, and that love you.

Owen, I hope there is an afterlife, and that for you, its a good place. Remember that conversation about the spirits of passed people existing on the same time but we just couldnt reach out and touch them the same way we could with the living? How our ghosts never really leave us, but we just can’t reach out and touch them anymore? Its a concept Ive always had a hard time communicating to people, but you got it. I hope, now that we cant make more memories in this life, that you come around every now and then to make sure we’re all doing alright.

Owen, I miss you more then anything right now, and I hope you have a happy birthday. Wherever you are.

exoh

Cailie

This past semester I took a zoology class. I swore to god I was going to fail. It was a hard class for even the bio majors and Im bad at sciences. The teacher was terriable and I never got higher then a D on most of the tests, and none higher then a C on the papers. I was in anticipation of almost eminent failure, and having to retake the course, but I got my grades today and I got a C! What a suprise! yay…right? I mean I knew most of the class was doing worse then I was and I was able to pull a passing grade. Its also my lowest (As and Bs for the rest of my classes) grade. and yet, Im kicking myself thinking that I could have done better. aye, at least I passed, and Im ready to kick ass at the fall semester, bah, I just wish it would start already! 

[Edit: This is a post that I was going to put up on the second. It is undone. I dont know where I was going with it at the time and I dont know if I can channel it right at this moment, but here it is remaining unfinished.]

It was today a year ago I found out from an old friend from an old job that Owen went missing. I found out thie night of June 2nd that hopes of a healthy return were fruitless.

I wondered often, before I left for San Diego and even while I was on the road where I would be on these days this year. I figured Id take it a day at a time, and time would tell who and where I, and those who cared for Owen, would be. 

I’m on the road to recovery, alittle stronger, alittle wiser, but it still hurts, and it will always.

At my brothers Graduation, the family of Orion showed up and it was good to see them but it made ms sad, because I know Orion should have been there. I was two when I met Orion and I am now, officially one year older then he ever got to be. Either of those wonderful guys got to be. It hurts, it makes me appriciate life, it make me a lot of things.

 was a “Latch-key kid” in Junior high and most of High School. When I was in Junior High though, I had a friend named amanda who walked home with me because we had similar routes.
Amanda lived with her Grandmother and older brother at the time. Her grandmother worked multipule second rate jobs to provide Amanda and Jesse with a home. And on the all to often weekdays I went home with her for a few hours, her Grandmother was at work, and jesse was in the livingroom with his buddies, drinking beer and smoking dope. As they got into harder drugs, they often thought it would be fun to fight eachother, and bug the shit out of Amanda and I.
When Highschool started, Amanda moved up to Santa Rosa to live with her mom, and Jesse dissappeared.

I went to a party last night that Nick and I were invited to by one of Nicks friends, and when I walked into their living room (the first room in the house) and smelled enough weed to kill a goose, I was immediately back in Amandas grandmothers house. The party was killer. Its a dumpy victorian in a bad part of Bayview. With something different going on in every room. Scotty and Tim were tattooing in one room, a band playing in another and people having drinks and keeping good company all around.

Its when most of us were blackout drunk when the shit hit the fan. My friend Lupe had drunkedly swaggered of the table he was dancing on, out the first story window, and onto the lawn outside. In a haze of not thinking, I rushed to the window to view the carnage and was offering what I could to quicky help him back in. After he was semi safely inside I realized that my arms were covered in shards of glass and my own blood. Wrapping my arm in a towel and going to Nicks car (who was alright to drive) we went to the ER to make sure I didnt need stitches or anything. I was bleeding a shitton and the doctor made me talk to some therapist guy (Totally unnecessary). I dont have sticthes, but oh boy there was a little bit of glass and a whole lotta blood. Im all bandaged up now and it hurts less and less all the time. And the once white towel is covering up the window that was broken. Huzzah.

Fun. Shit.

I found it hard to sleep in Petaluma. Mainly because my brothers bed is so hard. I forgot how quiet it was up there, I thought it was creepy kind of.

It was a fun trip, I got to see my dad on Saturday night and Sunday morning. I went to my friends 21st birthday and spent the night at a friends house and actually woke up well rested. (Her couch is really comfy). I reopened some old journal entrys/songs from roughly a year ago and it made me cry. On sunday I went to the pipe bridge and spent some time with members of Owens family. They are really awesome people, its a bummer that we met under such circumstances. We left Owen messages, and flowers and other things, and spent some time down there. I was suppoed to meet Matt after, but it didnt end up workin out. Up untill this morning I spent time helping my mom get ready for China and feel better about my grandmother, and also pack up my room.

Today I slept and woke up intensly groggy. Im to sleepy-ish to have any real outlook on things right now.

I’m at a loss. The people that I’ve been spending my time with, bless their hearts, but they haven’t known me long enough. I’ve been taking air into my lungs, to tell them why Ive been on the verge of tears for the past few days, except its been comming across as only deep breaths, or sighs. But no words, and less tears. I feel like I cant make other people fully understand it when I barely know how to fix it myself and today was a particularly bad. I almost lost my shit at the last customer today. But here it is, and untill I say it aloud…

A good friend, Someone I cared a lot about died a year ago, and it hurts and Im sad and I dont know how to make it stop, I dont know how to make it better, and all I want is to see him and I cant and Im fustrated and angry. Im appaled and pissed at the whole situation. And all I want is him alive right now.